Braeside Guest House :: FAQ About South Africa

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FAQ About South Africa
We cannot claim credit (or should that be blame?) for what follows. This must go to the Webmaster of a travel site that we are unfortunately unable to trace as yet. This is a collection of less-than-perceptive questions he has received about South Africa from around the World, and his appropriate very-tongue-in-cheek replies. And possibly all just apochryphal...but nevertheless amusing. There are many references to 'Hillbrow' which may mean little to foreigners. This is a district of the greater Johannesburg area that is only recommended for visits by tourists who have either (a) taken out a lot of travel insurance, or (b) have rented an armoured personnel carrier for use during their stay. Regular forms of personal transport are not only very safe for use in Swellendam, but recommended, as armoured vehicles tend to block traffic and attract undue attention.


	Q :	Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
	A :	We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

	Q :	Will I be able to see elephants in the street?
	A :	Depends upon how much you've been drinking.

	Q :	I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks?
	A :	Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres - but take lots of water with you...

	Q :	Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in Johannesburg, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay?
	A :	What did your last slave die of?

	Q :	Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa?
	A :	So it's true what they say about Swedes.

	Q :	Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa?
	A :	Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh, forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

	Q :	Can I bring cutlery into South Africa?
	A :	Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

	Q :	Are there killer bees in South Africa?
	A :	Not yet, But for you, we'll export them.

	Q :	Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
	A :	Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

	Q :	Do you have perfume in South Africa?
	A :	No, we don't stink.

	Q :	Which direction is north in South Africa?
	A :	Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

	Q :	Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population?
	A :	Yes, gay nightclubs.

	Q :	Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
	A :	No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

	Q :	I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help?
	A :	Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

	Q :	Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa?
	A :	Only at Christmas.

	Q :	Will I be able to speek English most places I go?
	A :	Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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